The Grass is Always Greener…..when you have nothing to cut it with!

Today I woke up and took a gander out my window….to this enchanting little place we 1509′ers affectiontatly call the secret garden….it is indeed our backyard…”DO DO DO DO…lookin out my Back Door!…” upon my gaze was a beautiful tree sprinkled with white flowers… a quaint little shed looks like a real family could nestle in here for some time. A recently installed badminton net for the kids (aka…us at this time…close enough to kids) to play with and the scent of the Lilac trees lofts about. The secret gate leads to a land of adventure, a canal as wild and untamed as mark twians river…ha. So within this beautiful and wonderous land….theres this problem….

The Grass Freaking Needs to Be CUT!

Here is the deal…we are a house full of girls and we have a lawn mower but its broke…needs matenence like oil and gas…and if only if only we had some nice, strong, handsome men around to help us out….where o where could we find such a thing?

here are our options:

*Find a friend who can actually help us with this …like actually get get it done.

* find a goat

* find a weed eater

* have a scissor party! Everyone come over and bring your scissors!! We may have to do this by hand!!

the conclusion….Someone help us!

Thank you

 

If I could express this by typing a sound it would be xlkybnbjhrfnpicurfgburaegbrpgiuwgip!!!!!!

Gosh….its like life just did a hit and run on me…I dont know why but it seems like the way I feel about life and decisions and God flip flop every week…good news is that next week will be so much better…lol. I hope…not that this week has been bad, i just feel the cloud of decisions and uncertainty looming again and it has this way of seeping into every aspect of life.
 
For instance…
Ill be thinking about summer and taking the job at Lost Valley(the ranch) and if I do that it changes whether or not I do the internship with Cru and go into missions for the year (as in i wont be able to becuase of dates) and then that affects wether or not my wanting to work there again is me…or God…and if i work there I wont be able to go to the family reunion for the 4 summer in a row and im really wanting to go, i may be able to convince them to give me time off, but my Best friend Katie may be getting married july 4th, so i have to plan for that…not to mention my other bestest friend abby was told that the ranch just doesnt have room to offer her a job and so that is a harsh reality to imagine the ranch without her..which makes me compare friendships there and here and makes me think that I will grow further from her as time goes on and we live in separate states, which makes me bitter towards these relationships becuase I invest in people and make such great friends that I would never trade, but its as though I have to start anew every four months and Im just so worn out. I want to simplify life, have one concentrated thing that I invest in and that I can focus on and I want all the rest to just go away…it makes me want to just runaway and live in a village untouched my society and technology…which brings it back to the beginingof how I thought I was starting to feel direction withthe future and I was at peace with staying in Fort  Collins and possibly doing my masters and interning with cru, as part time missions, but now im realizing I have the availability to run off and simplify my life by giving whole heartedly and not juggling anymore….and then I just feel sick….like im struggling in quick sand, how do I get out? I just want someone to resque me and take care of me and tell me what to do….and as I wrote that I realized…God is the one doing that and im almost refusing to take his hand.
 
 I wish I knew why I get so entangled with this life. All my classes are hitting on globalization and the perspective of how things are so in-twined and linked and then I get this overwhelmed feeling that im so little in this world and that its all too complex to fix and I just want to be removed from it…just go… go live do, be simple. That is the biggest tug on my heart and im so in the place right now where I dont feel like I can fix myself…let alone aid others…so that brings me to my friendships and I can feel myself distancing even since last friday…whats up with that? I was recentlyso praise filled and gracious for the same friendships that I now feel are lacking real depth…or maybe I just have been feeling like all my friendships are one-sided…like im doing all the pursuing…it gets me down sometimes…Ive always been the pursuer and I just want to be desired by someone….but then again…i am by so many and its still not enough…which brings me back to my life perspective of nothing is enough…we all want more, buy more, need more…trying to fill a void that can never be satisfied…I know God is the only thing capable of that and I have him and still feel this void! What the heck? which brings me back to…its my fault…Im not giving or trusting or persueing enough…I am not enough….I am not enough in this world. I feel so defeated at times.
 
But…Thats just the way the world is rubbing me these last few days…and next week I could be shouting from mountain tops how good God is and how much he restores me…There is no growth above treeline…so we cant live on mountain tops…we have to climb up and down, so that we can experience growth…deep sigh…end of vent…for now.

 

metaphorically speaking…

November 20th

 

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” — Albert Einstein

Elloquently said, with full understanding I grasp onto this concept. It has been brought to my attention through recent trails, that this quote resounds….you see, in the meanwhile it sounds true but one cannot see it until they have accomplished the dificulty. Amisdts the difficult times, lifes actions thrash the tenant to and frow, almost violently. There are emotional peaks and emotional georges, reseviors filled with tears, all damed up from their once, free-flowing nature. Amongst the difficulty there are stretches on lonesome plains, with stormy skies and high gusted winds, but as soon as the storm is over, the sun peaks out from the rain clouds and the isolated plains now look a bit more like a meadow. When were in the storm, we need to stay focused on survival…this focus sometimes is the only thing that carries us through and likewise, in its absence, we can lose sight of our refuge, giving up as we flail about in the wind. 

 

Through my recent difficulty, I have been able to stay focused on survival and now im starting to see the silver lining….the sky isnt completely clear, which is ok…it may never be, but I know that the sun is always behind those clouds…sometimes it shines so brightly on my face, and othertimes I really have to trust that it is even there at all.

The peace is in knowing that it exists and that its always trying to get to me.

 

Write something about yourself…?

October 14

 

About myself….humm. I’m letting my rhetoric slide..here’s the first thoughts at the pace of my “self”…. 

I like mountains, roadtrips, potato chips and storms. I like wild flowers, badminton, elegant nights, and green….

 …I like waking up to a lazy days, finding friends to go out and play…

rain, puddle jumping, costa rica, and boys…

…I like horseback riding, fishing, and the Rocky Mountains wild…things that make me feel like a freebird, with the joy of a child.

I like polar bears, alaska, icecaps, and boats…..daffodils, five iron frenzy, swing dancin and gull,

…I like girls’ nights in, creamcheese, facials, and frosting…

blades of grass, sunshine-warmth, midnight moonlight, and cayotes howl..

….stars spread out like loose glitter from your favorite home craft…

i like thinking, pondering, processing and coy…

…I like sunflowers, rainbows, and deep spirited friends. 

I like just about everything…as in… I can find a way to like just about everything….

To look at this world and all is offers and for one to say…I do not like that…is but an insult to God….I like….the thought of a silver lining to every cloud….even when the sun (son) is not in sight…I like you God, and I will like what you have designed..by choice… 

…is any of this really about…me?  

 

Unfinished Thoughts…

I come from…

I come from a family rugged and proud, thats my Fathers side

I come from a family, danty, sweet in essence and overbearing in Love, that would be my mothers side.

I come from a line of norwegian and scandinavian blood, something that makes my cheeks forever rosie, my hair platnum blonde, and my eyes big and blue.

I come from a way of life, that when you fall down and wish never to get back up, the words of comfort susinctly spoken from him “toughin up Beck”,

and for some reason I dd. I not only did, but I wanted to, I wanted to tuffin up that instant… “who me? no nothing is wrong…Im comin…” running with my legs, short at the time, in a quickened fury, my head leaning forward as if I were fighting imense wind. I think my posture showed my intensity, my perseverence. I knew what I looked like, running with my arms in a ready 90 degree angle position held out in front of me and my head pushing through the wind, I thought I looked like I was trying, like I was tuffing up.

The path I now picture myself on while this flashback is occuring in mind is a colorado campground. I think Im invisioning this one spot in particular becuase I have saved a photo of my brother and I standing in our swim suits behind a large black tube. All in smiles, front teeth missing, our toe head hair barely visible with sunlight behind it. This is a scene of my childhood, for it is where I spent every weekend. Camping, in the outdoors, in this scene is where I learned about life, about being like my mom and dad, rugged and dainty, just as the colorado mountains.

 

deep sigh

So…this is what it is like to blog….Honestly…I have always thought that this was really nerdy and for people who cannot talk face to face…I still kinda think that…not gunna lie…BUT…I have also heard that it is good for getting out thoughts….and let me tell you..I have quite a bit of those….thoughts that go completely un-noticed, thoughts that consume a whole lot of me…thoughts that I dont really share becuase they may seem “out of character”…but truthfully…what is out of character….often I define myself by how I think others interpret me…to which may be alltogether false…something so irritating yet so in-escapable….such is life. So, as some sort of remedy, this is my blog….true confessions if you will…yet..its all just a drop in the bucket, really……..